PHOENIX MOVING TOWARD EXTINCTION

Weather inside the domed Pleistocene Stadium at kickoff was 41-degrees with a dry gusty wind from the end zone blowers around 26 mph. It was the third straight home game for the Mammoth Hunters.

The game started off relatively normal, with the Assassins taking an early lead on their first possession after a Mammoth Hunters Matt Turk punt by driving 87 yards for a TD. After that a whole heaping spoonful of Twilight Zone weirdness crept into the game. It all started mysteriously when star Phoenix DE Brian Orakpo left with a minor injury after getting the wind knocked out of him, an injury where the player is expected to return next quarter or next half, but he never did. Even after the game the PA announcer asked the departing crowd to look under their seats for him, as he seemingly disappeared into thin air. He was one of four Mammoth Hunters starters to leave the game on the night. Afterward, team owner Eric Morgan opined that his team was built for cold weather and it was “just too darned warm inside here tonight.”

The game was exciting, despite the low score, because of all the turnovers and ill-timed penalties that sabotaged each team’s scoring drives. It turned into a battle of field position, with each team taking turns being either pinned deep in their own end of the field or getting the ball punted to them already at midfield. It didn’t matter, the capricious Strat die was dealing out turnovers like it was Halloween candy.

At half, L.A. led 10-0 with Phoenix’s offense completely out of sync. Phoenix QB Matt Moore, star of last week’s loss in which he finished with a QB rating of 125.0, finished this game with a QB rating of 26.2. Phoenix QB Coach Shane Falco, former QB of the Washington Sentinels, suggested Moore try throwing with his left hand next time since Falco himself found it easier to throw that way.

Phoenix Guest Head Coach Bobby Petrino was asked repeatedly if he would stick around to try to rally this team, and he assured reporters that the game was close and could be won.

Phoenix kicked off to start the 2nd half without their Guest Head Coach, he’d somehow gotten past stadium security and made it to his parked car. It turned out he had taken a job during half time with a UFL team. Mike Zimmer was not available for comment.

The 3rd quarter was lost in a haze of turnovers, until near the end when Matt Moore was benched and Matt Cassel took the team down the field for Phoenix’s only TD, primarily due to the tough running of Mammoth Hunters HB Marion Barber III. There was a brief hope that the Mammoth Hunters could get back in this game and maybe get their first win of the season, but Fate is a muther (bleep)-ing (bleep), to quote Nathan Explosion. Barber was actually injured for the rest of the game at the end of that drive, and as an extra bonus young rookie kicker Graham Gano shanked the extra point, leaving Phoenix down four instead of three!!! The score was 10-6 at the start of the 4th quarter.

The two team continued to trade punts in the fourth, neither able to move the ball effectively. With 5:06 left in the game, Matt Turk punted for his 8th and last time. L.A. moved the ball down the field, stringing together a mix of run and pass. Hoping they’d hold them, Phoenix used a timeout, but L.A. was on the move. Switching tactics, IN ONE OF THE STUPIDEST MOVES IN A REALLY LONG TIME, the Footballtron-128k (Phoenix Mammoth Hunters Emergency Backup Head Coach) calculated that Phoenix should let L.A. score so as to get the ball back with time left on the clock. So, the bent-don’t-bend-over Phoenix defense relaxed and L.A. scored a TD two plays later. There was 2:00 left on the clock! Only once the extra point was kicked, was it realized on the Phoenix bench that that score put them down 9 points instead of 8!!!
So, the Phoenix Mammoth Hunters lost their third straight home game. Afterward, owner Eric Morgan reported that Footballtron-128k’s job was safe and he would not consider a coaching change in the middle of the season.

As usual, Phoenix Mammoth Hunter game recaps and highlights will be seen on The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.