Death Valley moves to Kiefer

DEATH VALLEY DUKES MOVE TO KIEFER TEXAS

DEATH VALLEY, TEXAS, February 8 (AP) - In an expected move, the Death Valley Dukes TFL franchise announced in a written statement that they have played their final game in the Mojave Desert.  Poor attendance figures, a decline in local population, and an inability to keep the turf watered were cited as the primary factors behind the upcoming move.  Secondary factors included player dissatisfaction with the lack of nightlife, safety concerns following the spontaneous combustion death of RB Alfred Blue during training camp, and unacceptable traffic conditions outside of Dutch Brothers Coffee.  

Tiny little Kiefer, Oklahoma was the wecome recipient of the relocation news, as it was announced that the Tulsa suburb would be the new home of the franchise.  The Kiefer Sutherlands will begin play in the 2018/2019 TFL Season with Jack Bauer serving as general manager and head coach in this time of transition and rebuilding for the franchise.  The statement noted that Bauer has a knack for getting the best out of his teams in times of adversity, has experience in identifying and eliminating cancers in his midst, and can pilot anything from a Warthog to Air Force One if necessary.  Former HUD secretary and President of the United States Tom Kirkman was named defensive coordinator. A professor of Urban Planning by trade, the statement noted that Kirkman has a master plan to employ a double zone - what he terms a "re-zone" - in attempts to slow down the high flying TFL passing attacks.  In what sounds like an immediate coup, Kirkman has already assisted the Town of Kiefer in dealing with their very own Dutch Brothers related traffic problems.  

The statement made no mention of a future offensive coordinator, though Doc Scurlock is favored for the position.  

Immediately after the release of the statement, an ICBM with nuclear warhead was fired from the DPRK towards the greater Tulsa area.  The missile, however, was intercepted by an Alert Bauer and thrown back to the Korean Peninsula.  It is assumed that the North Korean attack was prompted by disappointment resulting from the little rocket man's realization that the franchise would not, as rumored, be relocated to Pyongyang to be coached by Dennis Rodman.